Every day that I wake up, I feel tremendous gratitude for all I have.

Considering how dark my beginning was, child abuse, obesity, alcoholism…my life could have gone and ended in a horrible way.

And yet recently, folks, I really hit the jackpot big time.

I was so fortunate to attend the Ms. Magazine luncheon on January 27^th, 2012 with the person I hold responsible for leading the feminist movement, my shero, Gloria Steinem. I know the experience will go down as one of the highlights of this year.

When I arrived at S.F. State University in 1980, I was a train wreck. My struggles with obesity and alcoholism were out of control; I was in a downward spiral. I had come to California from New York thinking the “Golden State” would save me; instead, I was landing on my face (literally, in a drunken stupor). And then something shifted. I found the Women Studies Department.

I began to take classes in the Women’s Studies Department, which spoke to me in a way that nothing else had. I had known I was gay from a very young age but had repressed my feelings. These classes helped me step into my fears about “coming out” and allowed me a safe space to be me; I did come out as a lesbian when I was 21. The Women Studies Department helped give me my voice.

Because of those classes, I began to read Ms. Magazine and to research its founder, Gloria Steinem. She was (and still is) my role model.  I was incredibly moved by her calm articulate manner. Gloria was and still is (at 78 years old) a revolutionary and a natural leader. Back in the early 80’s I wanted to meet her and was fortunate enough to work at a book signing on campus and got a chance to say hello. I treasure that day and remember that she was everything I expected — kind, loving, generous, smart.

Fast forward 30 years.

Last year a documentary on Gloria’s life came out on HBO called In Her Own Words. I watched it and said to my life partner, Kathleen, “I have to meet Gloria again.” I just want to tell her how she inspired my life and path.

This past Friday, I got that chance. I met Gloria again because of my involvement in A Band Of Wives. A Band Of Wives is one of my favorite women’s groups out there. It was formed to provide a safe place for women to ask for and find the support they need, to have their voices heard through blogs and forum discussions, to introduce like-minded women to each other through specialized groups and events, and to bring women together around important issues as a united voice. And the most important thing you need to know is that you do not have to be married, to belong; you just have to be a woman.

I love A Band of Wives’ founder Christine Bronstein and find her commitment to serve as strong as Gloria’s. Christine is a beloved leader and was one of the women responsible for Gloria being at this fundraiser. She was also responsible for my being there.

The morning of the event, I am getting ready and this voice told me to turn on the television show, The View. I’m not a big TV person, but for some reason I flipped it on. The hostesses were discussing their mentors and heroes. Funnily enough, Joy Behar, a mentor of mine, names Gloria Steinem as her mentor! She goes on to discuss all of Gloria’s amazing achievements and how much she admires what Gloria has done for women around the world. I took it as a sign – this lunch was going to be seriously amazing.

I arrived at Spruce Restaurant in San Francisco happy to see some familiar faces and excited to meet a whole new group of innovative, empowered women. The fundraiser for Ms. Magazine was intimate – When Gloria entered, the entire room lit up; everyone was thrilled just to be in the presence of such an influential leader of the feminist movement. Kind, open-hearted, and gracious, Gloria was a delight to meet.

Gloria began her talk by saying, “People ask me all the time, why feminism? Why not focus now on something else at this point? Because all relevant issues are covered. It is the most prevalent movement and everything that we are facing stems from it.” Gloria then went on to speak about how women must treat themselves the way they want to be treated by others. It’s not enough to insist on equality from others; we must take it ourselves. We have to stop seeing ourselves through the eyes of Madison Avenue advertisers, through the perspectives of beauty put forth by reality TV. She talked about how common plastic surgery, including vaginal plastic surgery, is.

I found Gloria’s mention of the prevalence of vaginal plastic surgery fascinating. She talked about how such surgeries illustrate how willing women still are to voluntarily go under the knife for cosmetic procedures. I took it upon myself to research such surgeries, and I found it is indeed a growing practice. Procedures such as labia reduction and even hymen restoration are becoming more and more popular. This article from over six years ago discusses the growing prevalence of such surgeries, citing women who want to achieve the look of porn stars.

While I don’t judge those who decide to have plastic surgery, it does make me sad that so many women are still trying to change themselves to conform to society’s standards of beauty. And this relates very closely to the feminist movement. Before we can ask others to see us as equals, we have to see ourselves that way. We have to believe that we are perfect as we are. We must embrace ourselves, warts and all. Supposed “imperfections” are the things that make us unique individuals; we should celebrate them.

After giving her views, Gloria was very clear that she didn’t want to give a lecture; rather, she was there to have a conversation, to hear all of our voices. The host committee allowed everyone to stand up and share our work. I think we were all in awe of one another. What an amazing group of women…

The whole event was extraordinary. Meeting so many women who were following their dreams and who strive every day to make the world a better place was truly inspiring. Gloria’s influence was palpable – she has created an amazing legacy, of which I am honored to be a part.

It happens to me all the time. I will meet someone and say to myself, “That was the father I never had,” or, “That is the friend, teacher, mentor I have been looking for years.”

That was how I felt when I first picked up a book written by David Wolfe. Meeting him sealed the deal. It was not like David was my father or brother, but rather this divine being who could teach me a lot. And he did…and continues to.

There are so many teachers who have crossed my path through the years and inspired me to take action, yet I give  David much of the credit for getting me to a higher level of self-care and self-love. He taught me about nutrition through his books and videos and shed light on the energy that food is. While I always knew that processed food was depleted of energy, I was inspired to learn more about the life force of food through David’s books and through watching him speak. I love that man. Since I am on his mailing list, he recently wrote a piece called, “Why I am NOT a Millionaire.” While I know he would be the first person to not judge people who have money, he did share about the effects that scarcity consciousness has on our body and our health. He writes:

“What constitutes real wealth, anyway?

There are many people suffering in hospital beds, eating hybridized, genetically modified processed foods, who are spiritually, emotionally, and mentally confused. There are many billionaires even, suffering from poor health and unable to experience the vast number of enjoyments they have spent their life acquiring.

I have few assets, and yet I’ve never lacked for anything.  I’ve never eaten anything but the best food ever… slept in the best (grounded) beds ever… traveled to the most exotic lands ever… experienced the most extraordinary health ever, shared the company of the most beautiful friends and family, and most of all, met 100,000′s of fantastic, wonderful people like you who are hungry for the knowledge I share.

I am, in my estimation, incredibly rich — perhaps the wealthiest person in the world.

And where is true wealth found? Consider the following:

True wealth is a peaceful state of mind.

True wealth is abundant physical health.

True wealth is spiritual connection to source energy.

True wealth is emotional wellness.

True wealth is found in serving others.

True wealth is knowledge of oneself, knowledge of one’s environment… and finding and following your mission in life.

In addition:        

True wealth cannot be hoarded, only shared.

True wealth is not created by what one has acquired, but by what one gives away.

And true wealth (or happiness in oneself) is directly proportional to the happiness one brings to others.

So let’s consider that our previous notions of “wealth” and “resources” are outdated and irrelevant.

Let’s also consider that making money for its own sake is a meaningless and never-ending, never-fulfilling endeavor.”

So I ask you, what constitutes true wealth for you? I hope and pray that something inside you values health and chooses to put that at the top of your priority list. And just because you may have dodged a bullet meaning you still neglect yourself and are symptom free, I would ask you to consider your body and what it really needs. And if action is calling, the time is now. If not now, when?  David and I both agree that, “Life has so much to offer and it is no dress rehearsal.”

Be sure and connect with David: http://www.DavidWolfe.com

My Year Of Swimming Dangerously –Part 2

When I left you, I was in angst about how I would swim 365 miles that year having just shown up in England where there were no pools to be found.

What was this going to do to my goal?  I remember seeing only one pool while I was in England and strangely, I didn’t want to get into it.  I think it was my way of avoiding the issue of whether or not I was going to fail or succeed in reaching this magical number.  When I returned from the trip, I had a little over 2 months to get those last 64 miles in and I was convinced I could still reach my goal.  So with what I perceived as renewed vigor and determination, I returned to the pool to continue my quest.  Now, my pool wasn’t open everyday, so I knew I would have to factor that into my calculations.  So I decided to increase the distance I would swim each time I was able to swim.  At first, it didn’t seem so bad.  But then little by little, things started to creep in. Such as, how annoyed I got when I had to go to a funeral and miss my swim.  Or the day I decided to swim 3 miles straight without stopping.  What was I thinking? I almost threw up when I climbed out of the pool.  Or the time the lifeguard stopped my swim halfway through because of lightning.  Lightning!  I’ve got my goal to accomplish, who cares if I’m struck by lightning and die?  Do I have to tell you that those last 2 months of 2005 were miserable?  I would wake up in the morning and absolutely resent having to go to the pool, AGAIN!  I told myself, “Don’t ever give yourself a goal like this EVER”!  I felt physically and mentally fatigued. After every swim, I’d note it in the journal and divide days left by miles still to go and sometimes I wondered how it would end.  Again, something to wrap my inner negative voice around.  Well, it did end. And I’m here to report I did reach my goal. In fact, I blew through it.  412.50059 miles to be exact.  But I was left with a bad taste in my mouth about swimming.  I wasn’t as happy as I thought I’d be about doing what I had set out to do because the price of it had become all too consuming.  And it showed.  In the years that followed, I had fewer and fewer trips to the pool.  Only 100 miles in 2007 for example.  So I’d learned a lesson about goals.  Which was, don’t be arbitrary when it comes to setting them.  Think carefully about what it will take to accomplish it.  And I know it comes as no surprise to you that I’ve never set another swimming goal.  I didn’t want to feel so bad about something so good.

And now we come to the present day.  A day you may be surprised to hear that I swam my 441th mile of the year and it’s the final week of December 2011. What happened you ask?  I can only tell you that I kept that promise to myself to never set another goal and I didn’t.  And what returned due to keeping that promise was the joy I felt when I did swim.  So on many days, I would swim in the morning and then again in the evening.  I loved it!  Again.

This story is not meant to squash the value of goals.  It can be motivating and fun to set goals.  I share this story because so many of us experience that negative self talk which I was hearing louder and louder as I was reaching for a brass ring, rather than just enjoying the moment.  I enjoy the moments again.  My body, soul and especially my mind, thank me for that.

I wish you a very Happy New Year 2012 and I hope that you find some movement that you love and set up your goals coming from a place of self-love rather than guilt or pain.

My Year Of Swimming Dangerously –Part 1

As an ongoing student of the OnePinky philosophy, I wanted to share a recent insight I had into the mind/body/soul connection and how it affects the goals we make for ourselves in our continuing journey to be the best we can be.  As we approach the beginning of another “New Year”, I hope my reflections will resonate with you and perhaps even help you have an easier time keeping those “resolutions”.  

In 2001, I weighed 200 pounds and was not making any time for real activity in my life.  So I decided I would go back to doing something I loved.  And what I loved was swimming.  Since I had grown up on a riverbank, swimming was something I began at an early age and took to it like, well, like a fish to water.  While I was never on a swim team, I became a fitness swimmer in 1980.  I would swim for several years, then not swim for several years, and then pick it up again.  Off and on spanning 2 decades. So in 2001 when I was itching to go back to the pool, it helped that swimming was a great activity for someone who was carrying some extra weight, as the water provides buoyancy for added comfort and ease.  And it’s also a great equalizer.  I would often swim faster and farther than other swimmers who looked like they had just stepped out of a catalog for swimwear.  I’ll never forget the day I was soaking in the hot tub after my swim and a personal trainer who was wearing a 2-piece and does not have a 6 pack, SHE HAS AN 8 PACK, walked over to me and said, “You are an awesome swimmer!”.  She was right. I am.  I knew in that moment I had rediscovered something that I did not want to stop doing as I had done in the past.  So I bought some journals and I started logging every swim I did.  What I noticed was each year I would swim a little farther than the year before.  So at the beginning of 2005, I set a goal for myself.  I would swim 365 miles that year.  After all, I had logged 330 miles in 2004, so how hard could it be?  Well, what I didn’t realize was, I didn’t have a preset goal in my head those other years and therefore I had no pressure on myself to reach a magic number.  And what ended up happening was my existence over the course of that year became all about reaching, as I called it, “My Mile Per Day Year”.  I had no idea of the effect this seemingly simple challenge was about to have on me.  Halfway through the year, I had already logged just over 200 miles so the goal seemed very attainable. But something was looming on the horizon that was about to twist my psyche into a knot.  I was planning my first trip to London in October, which would last 3 weeks.  3 weeks I thought, without a pool.  

Please stay tuned to Part 2 of this blog (coming next week) to find out if I make my goal and hear how I made it through England without a pool.                

My oh-so-apprehensive love affair with Spaghetti Squash…

I will be the first to admit that I’m afraid of food. However, when I made the commitment to work with Laura, I told her I would do just about anything she asked me to and that has paid off. Today I feel lighter and better about myself in more ways than one.

I’ve always had a very picky palate and went to school with bread and butter sandwiches for several years of elementary school because I proclaimed that I didn’t like anything else.  My mom finally gave up and sent me on my way.  I have always said, I have texture issues, a dislike of spicy food and an overall apprehension to all things new and unknown in the culinary arena. Laura has successfully (with much apprehension on my part) supported me in trying certain foods I would never have on my own.

The day Laura asked me if I liked Squash, my nose crinkled up and my stomach sank.  Just the word filled me with dread and pre-conceived notions of mushy food that I certainly would not like.  I don’t think I’d ever HAD squash in my 43 years of life but I was 100% certain that it was a scary and undesirable food to be avoided at all costs.

If you know Laura, you will know that she doesn’t push, but will gently suggest.  ”Why don’t you try it – you just never know.” she said.  She started telling me about some different types of squash and how much she loves them and how they are made.  The spaghetti squash intrigued me because anything that resembled spaghetti couldn’t be all bad… I’m part Italian after all and love pasta!  I began to open up to the idea but was still very, very, very nervous about it.

Finally, in a moment of extreme bravery, I told her to send me a recipe – I’d give it a try!  In my head I was making deals with myself like I was a five year old.  (But truth be told – to be afraid of new foods really IS acting like a five year old so I was acting appropriately.)  The deal I made with myself was this:  try the recipe and take at least two bites.  If it was as bad as I expected, I had permission to eat something else.  OK… two bites, that’s doable.

I went to the store and had a hard time finding the spaghetti squash. (I had no earthly idea what it looked like and had to ask for help.)  I was shocked with how hard it was to cut – sharpen your best knives if you decide to give squash a try!  I cut it in half, thought it was Halloween as I scooped out the seeds and stringy stuff in the center then put it in the oven.  I was throughly convinced that two bites would be it and I’d never do this again.  How was this hard, “yellow” thing going to be good?

While it cooked I sauted olive oil with onion, garlic, tomato and basil – THAT smelled good.  Maybe I’d get some REAL PASTA out as the backup plan…

When the squash was done my teenage son and his friend came home.  They thought it smelled good (which it did – garlic!)  and were willing to try it before I did.  I was so excited because then I had someone to test it before my two bites… I was encouraged!  They liked it!

Finally – the moment of truth.  I very cautiously put a bite in my mouth – bracing myself for a weird taste or texture and ensuing disappointment.  But to my utter surprise – I LIKED IT!  I liked squash!  I was so proud of myself I told everyone I talked to in the next few days – it was like I had conquered a major fear or climbed a mountain – to me, this was huge!

I’ve had it a few times since and spaghetti squash will remain a part of my normal food options for years to come.  Now Laura is trying to get me to try kabocha squash – which still has my nose turned up.  I suppose if she didn’t lead me astray last time I should give it a try as well… but not today.

Do you have any great overcoming certain food stories? If so, please share them by commenting here.

“Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, creates a vision for tomorrow.” – Melody Beattie

For some of us, having a happy holiday season feels daunting or even close to impossible. It seems that no matter how hard we work to insulate ourselves against our issues around home and family, the tunnel from Thanksgiving to New Years is a minefield loaded with hidden traps, double agents and too many opportunities to self-destruct or rip open old wounds and old injuries.

In the past, the holiday season was the worst time of year for me; I simply hated the holidays. It was a time during which painful childhood memories of abuse and habits of self-destruction through food and alcohol would resurface. Even the one I did like, Thanksgiving, I came to loathe; I fought a 30+ year battle with my body image and weight, so a holiday that revolved around eating led to a lot of anxiety and suffering.

How are we to protect ourselves from harm and mental injury during this difficult time of year? Do we amputate our past and the people in it? What can we do short of avoiding holidays and celebrations altogether?

The key is tapping into the true nature of the holidays – GRATITUDE. Gratitude was an invaluable tool for me as I healed my childhood wounds. I discovered the thanks I had in my heart for all those who had touched my life – gratitude not only for those who had helped me but also for those whose harmful actions taught me how not to treat myself and others.

Gratitude is now at the top of my to do list every day. When you experience gratefulness for a moment, it will come back to you three-fold in the next. Here are some simple ways to regularly incorporate gratitude into your life.

1. Keep a Daily Gratitude List: Write down at least three things you’re grateful for each day. It can be as simple as “I’m grateful for this cup of coffee” or as profound as “I’m grateful for this beautiful life.” Practice acknowledging good things each day, and soon you’ll find them everywhere.

2. Play B.D.G. (Brag, Desire, Gratitude): Get an email list going with some friends or family and take turns “replying all” with one brag, one desire, and one gratitude. Publicly recognizing an accomplishment or positive quality, expressing a future hope, and giving thanks for what you already have will connect you to the good in your life past, present, and future. Plus it will bring you closer to your loved ones and remind you of the wonderful reasons you care for them.

3. Recite a Daily Affirmation: We all have the ability to create a happy future, and affirmations are a powerful tool in attracting the positive experiences we want. Write an affirmation using positive statements and the present tense, about something you want in your life (ex: The holiday season is an opportunity to enjoy the company of my loved ones; I am so grateful for their presence in my life). Recite it once a day or when facing particularly difficult events or situations.

4. Write a Letter of Thanks: This could be to a parent, co-worker, friend, child, or spouse. Let them know how much they mean to you and how you appreciate their love and/or support. Gratitude begets more gratitude – imagine how thankful the recipient will be!

5. Find Forgiveness in Gratitude: It is especially hard to feel appreciation for those who have hurt us, and yet harboring anger only prolongs our own suffering and strengthens our connection to a painful past. Work towards forgiving those individuals by finding a way to thank them. For example, I now have only gratitude for my abusive father; although he caused me and my siblings much physical and emotional pain, it was this experience that helps me connect to and help other abuse victims.

Practicing thankfulness will make dealing with the emotions of the holidays so much easier. These are your holidays, and if managed carefully, you can create new traditions of love and family. You can break out of the cycles of blame and worry that accompany this time of year and instead find gratitude in spending time with family and food.

What is next? And what will your roadmap look like this season of Peace and Love?

I took myself from a place of longing for the “perfect holiday” (whatever that illusion was) to creating something that really fits in with who I am – spending time with the same group of friends rather than family. I found that, over time, surrounding myself with those I could appreciate easily made it infinitely easier to be thankful for those with whom it was more difficult to feel grateful.

Thanksgiving is truly my favorite holiday now – I love it. And while gratitude is something to be practiced every day, that we take time on this particular day to reflect on all the things we have is a blessing and a gift. I believe in the power of prayer and mindfulness, and I think the power of so many people stopping and reflecting on that day carries us throughout the year.

So this year I welcome November 24th with open arms and ask that you all take a moment to stop and reflect on all that is good in your lives. Put the recession, war, your aches and pains on hold knowing that in your gratefulness, things will shift for the better. As philosopher Geoffrey F Abert wrote, “Prosperity depends more on wanting what you have than having what you want.”

May you all have the most amazing, Love-filled, Gratitude-based Thanksgiving Holiday.

Why wait till the New Year to start manifesting a body you love and creating the relationship of your dreams? Be ahead of the curve and start the New Year on track, feeling self-confident and ready to be your best in partnership. Join me and my dear friend and colleague, Relationship and Dating expert Joy Nordenstrom to provide you with 10 secrets to having a body you love and having the relationship of your dreams. In a relationship now? Great for you. You qualify too as we will be sharing tools that empower you to go deeper into your truth so that your body, heart and mind are all in sync.

If you happen to be single now you will learn tips on how to make your next relationship your best. Healthy bodies (and minds) go hand in hand with healthy relationships.

Come play with us…

Do You Accept The Body You See In The Mirror?

Tell me if this feels familiar: You notice that you’ve put on some weight. When you pass a mirror, you either look away, walking as fast as you can, or you say something awful to yourself. You might retort, “My belly isdisgusting!” or, “I’m hopeless! I will ALWAYS be ugly.” I think that you can relate to this. I also suspect that you make yourself wrong for not having a perfect body and not having the “will power” to change it.  After working as a body image coach with hundreds of clients, I know that negative self-talk keeps us stuck forever. Most people stay stuck in a painful story and need real tools to help them move forward. Overeating and dieting are all symptoms of a bigger problem: self-abuse. Changing specific daily actions from self-abuse to self-empowerment brings freedom.

Are you currently looking for a partner to create a loving and passionate relationship with? Or are you in a relationship and want to take it to a place today like when you first fell in love?

There are some key principles of thriving relationships that will help you choose the best person to be your next partner and begin your new relationship on a solid foundation from square one. If you are already in a relationship, these principles are also core for creating and maintaining a perfect partnership. Having a loving and thriving relationship does not happen miraculously on its own, instead you need to proactively take the steps to control the reigns. It’s time to learn how to start 2012 ready for love, each and every day.

These issues and so many more will be covered at this workshop.

You ARE worth the time…Details are all here. See you soon!

Jumpstart Your New Year’s Resolutions

10 Secrets to a Body You Love and the Relationship of Your Dreams

When?

Thursday December 8th, 2011

6:30 pm to 9:00 pm

This New York Times op-ed by Nicholas Kristof, “Addicted to Exercise?” explores research done on the pleasure centers of the brain and reinforces some of the solutions I teach at OnePinky.com, healthy weight through healthy body image. Kristof shares research showing that both our vices (like food addictions/alcoholism) and virtues (like giving/sharing and exercise) stimulate the same ‘high’ in the brain’s pleasure centers. So, a timely question:

Can we choose vice or virtue for the ‘highs’ we crave? Answer: Yes, you can and OnePinky helps women everyday do that.

This article comes on the heels of my last blog about the death of Amy Winehouse. Amy’s tragic death tells us the fatal implications of addictive behavior and low self-esteem. Her autopsy confirms that her addictions led to her demise and it’s clear that she suffered from incredibly low self esteem.

My question on vice of virtue arises because this article proves both virtue and exercise can excite you with a ‘high’ as strong as hedonistic behavior (food/drug/alcohol addiction). In other words, exercise and giving to others/sharing/connecting can ‘pump-up’ the brain’s pleasure juices as much as any destructive addictions give you.

The studies describes rats fed foods like cheesecake and chocolate and showed differences in brain circuitry after just 40 days. These foods triggered cravings that rewire the rat’s brain’s pleasure circuits to amplify that craving: Actually rewiring the brain to increase cravings. The impact was that the pleasure centers of their brains were numbed, so they needed to gobble even more cheesecake to generate the same satisfaction. Whether its sugar or heroin, the body steadily ratchets up the quantity necessary to provide the same high.

Just think of it as, ‘I can’t get no satisfaction’. Or the vicious cycle my work helps you get out of:  Poor body image –> low self esteem –> mistreatment of food . . . and it starts all over again.

But, the good news is that research indicates that our brains move us toward vices, but also toward our virtues. In recent years, researchers have found that generosity isn’t always a sacrifice; instead, it often exhilarates us.

In one set of experiments at the University of Oregon young women hooked up to brain scanners were presented with modest amounts of money. Sometimes they were given the chance to donate to charity, and sometimes they were given additional money.

Their pleasure centers lit up when they received money, as one might expect — but even more when they gave money away.  About half of the women seemed to derive as much pleasure from giving money as from receiving it.

Perhaps all this research will lead to new tools to fight drug addiction, alcoholism and help the obesity struggle. For me, the most wonderful insight is that it does appear that giving is as important as receiving.  And that you can get just as  ‘high’ from exercising and connecting with other as you would from addictions to food, drugs and alcohol.

On the basis of this latest brain research, as well as practical experience, let’s acknowledge this profound truth: altruism and generosity can be pleasurable. These practices can lead you to a better body image and mitigate destructive addictive behaviors.

What do you think of this study? I welcome your feedback.

The news of Amy Winehouse’s death in July of this year was tragic, but it wasn’t surprising. Her struggle with addiction and eating disorders had been well-documented during her meteoric rise to fame. The autopsy results last week confirmed the suspicions that her addictions indeed led to her ultimate demise. I found this so sad and predictably true. It was also clear in interviews with her and her loved ones, that she suffered from incredibly low self esteem. In spite of her amazing success, she still did not feel worthy of love from herself or anyone else. Even for those of us not subject to her particular behavior, her story has a lot to tell us about addiction and self esteem.

An article from the British newspaper gets directly to the issue in an article entitled “Addiction Killed Amy Winehouse – what sort doesn’t matter.” The author, Deborah Orr, writes, “. . . addictive substance abuse is addictive substance abuse, whether it’s legal or illegal . . .”. That’s what makes food addictions so difficult. Unlike drugs or alcohol, which can be cut out of our lives all together, we need to eat in order to live. It’s certainly not easy to cut out drugs and alcohol; I know that firsthand, having struggled with alcoholism in addition to eating disorders. But when the source of your addiction is something you still need to consume in some form, it can feel more difficult.

The irony of this is that food is not the enemy and should not be reduced to something we loathe and make wrong. We actually need it to live and it was not created to be overused and abused. And knowing that does not fix being addicted to it. It is however a point I needed to make.

However, food addiction can manifest itself in many ways, from anorexia to bulimia to compulsive overeating. And more often than not, these addictions are a direct result of low self esteem and negative body image. We decide we don’t like what we see in the mirror, which for some leads to self-starving and for others results in self-punishing binge eating. Either way, the effects are clear:

poor body image –> low self esteem –> mistreatment of food . . . and it starts all over again.

So how do we break out of the cycle? It is challenging and yet totally possible– addiction is both psychological and chemical, and the longer we’ve engaged in this pattern the harder it is to break. Unlike drugs or alcohol, which have very obvious effects, the effects of food addiction – obesity, lack of energy, depression – are so common in today’s society that we may not even realize we have them too. So often we may only see the results and not realize the source. It can be hard to accept that we are addicted – to sugar, to carbs, to denial. Yet the sooner we can come to terms with our own addictions, the sooner we can get help, and the sooner we can get better.

It is possible to break out – my own story and the stories of so many of my students who have rebuilt their body image, improved their self esteem, and repaired their relationship with food. Kicking addiction alone, however, is nearly impossible. It’s a hard enough thing to do, and when you start out, it can be challenging to hold yourself accountable and take the necessary steps. That’s where friends, family and loved ones come in. The more support, love and encouragement you have, the easier and more successful you’ll be.

You do not need to fall victim to addiction – put yourself out there, ask for help, and you shall receive it. It is possible to break out of the cycle of negativity – to start, just reach out your hand. I promise you someone will be there to love you back.

As a body image coach and mentor, the subject of weight is pretty common among my students–some are overweight, some are underweight, and some are struggling with their weight – even if it’s perfect (as far as the numbers are concerned).  There’s an irony, huh? That there could be a “perfect” weight anywhere in our society. The truth is that we are fed lies upon lies about “perfect” body image and perfect weight, and we eat them and STARVE on the inside while growing larger and larger on the outside.

What comes with the excess weight is often a myriad of challenging health issues. I don’t need to list what they are – many of you are probably dealing with them as you read this.  And so, we treat the illnesses.  We take cholesterol medicine and insulin and blood pressure medicine – not to mention what all of this does to our spirits, our emotions, and confidence and our self-esteem.  Yes, food addiction and excess weight are the soil from which grows much heartache.

The following story once happened to a dear client of mine and I am sharing it to demonstrate how important it is to take care of yourself to avoid situations like this. As we all know, addiction is a family disease, and watching my client, heal and lead her family into a different kind of life has been an enormous privilege.  I’ve watched her learn self-love and make BIG changes and TOUGH choices.  I’ve watched her struggle to set boundaries and stop taking care of everyone around her – but not herself.

One issue her family has dealt with is diabetes and heart disease, and her husband has faced the possibility of losing one of his legs at the very young age of forty-nine.  The family had been put on a roller coaster of insanity – moving from healthcare team to healthcare team and told that the only option was a radical and invasive arterial bypass on his leg.  Although they had great misgivings, her husband was prepared to go forward with the operation, and after five weeks of preparations, literally the day before the surgery was to take place, his surgeon decided that the risk factors were simply too great to go forward.

In shock and disbelief, my client called me at home and said, “Laura, they literally told him to lose weight and then basically shoved him out the door.”

Wow.  That is, unfortunately, a snapshot of what often happens in the medical field and too many of us have similar stories.  Many, many times, there is simply a gap – a disconnect – between the obvious implications of weight on everyday health, and the reality of connecting the self-care and well being as a curative path to ending obesity.  Too often we forget that not everything can be fixed. It is up to our everyday decisions to keep us healthy.

This is a message that I have carried for over two decades, and one that gratefully, finally is becoming embraced more and more.  In fact, it is more than a passion to me – it is a mission.  And it is one that I am blessed to share with client after client, and ever-growing audiences at seminars and teleclasses.

The most basic tenet of the TRUTH about weight loss is this:  One cannot hate their body AND simultaneously create healthy change. These two things simply cannot coexist. Forget the “perfect” body image for healthy weight. For permanent, healthy change to occur, it must be based in self-love and self-care.  A person who is able to embrace that they are perfect and beautiful – and to discover a life of self-love and self-care would naturally find themselves empowered to create healthier choices with food and a life of movement and exercise.  It’s that simple.  Weight loss is an inside job.

As my client and her husband discovered, the medical world may shove you out the door into some phantom abyss and disconnect between self-love and health – but there are many of us around to help you breath deeply and to build a bridge or two.  Join the OnePinky online community that will give you the tools to heal the disconnects in your own life.  Because the bottom line is this – your body is your HOME.  It is where your soul lives from birth until death.

And like it or not, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all recovery to obesity and food addiction. However, there ARE proven systems and exercises to help you discover and build your own path to health, self-esteem, self-love, self-care and a beautiful, wonderful life without an uncrossable disconnect between your body and your soul.

Body Image Mastery Coach Laura Fenamore is on a mission, guiding women around the world to love what they see in the mirror, one pinky at a time. She teaches women how to unlock the secrets to healthy weight and start loving their lives as soon as possible.

Her popular Body Image Mastery program is celebrated by hundreds of women who have lost weight, reclaimed self-esteem, and started bold, happy lives thanks to Laura and her proven programs.

Having overcome her own battles with addiction, obesity, and eating disorders, Laura released over 100 pounds 24 years ago, beginning a journey to guide other women to live more joyous, balanced lives. She is the author of the forthcoming book Weightless: a Body Image Revolution and a frequent contributor to local and national media, including First for Women, Ladies Home Journal, the Dr. Pat Show and blog contributor on Betty Confidential and Daily Love. Laura believes that self love and care are where the transformation begins. Learn more about her programs, invite her to speak on a program or at a conference, or place pre-orders for her book today at OnePinky.com.