I am uncertain. I am off track right now and am not sure what it is that is causing this. I think that it may be an underlying fear. As far as I am aware I am not scared of anything external right now, maybe it is an internal fear? Maybe I am afraid of not being in control. Maybe I am afraid of fear being in charge. When fear is in charge, destruction is what I do. I don’t want the results of destructive behavior (weight gain, loss of self-confidence, isolation).
As I write this I have some clarity. I am realizing that I am not afraid of anything out there, but I am afraid of my own self. I can be very destructive towards myself. And it is tough to admit this! It is even more tough to take responsibility for this!! It is so much easier if it is work’s fault that I am falling off the track, or the fact that I am experiencing change.
Laura told me today that “fear is lack of faith.” I like this and know that there is a part of me that believes that I can do this different.
May there be peace within.
Love,
Gina

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Some days Gina I feel a deep sense of faith and trust and other days it’s like I never had faith and trust and I have noticed that on these days that fear is present. I have noticed that how I “cope” with these days is to take care of myself, talk to myself alot for reassurance and show love to myself – almost like I am a little girl.
I am happy that writing has helped with clarity – shedding light seems to do that doesn’t it?
Thinking of you my friend when you are feeling uncertain feelings.
Love Leah
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